Star Wars Episodes VII - IX
It’s time to boldly go where no man has gone before! … Wait … That’s Star Trek. Euh … Walter, Punch it! … That’s Stargate! Euh … It’s time to … use … the force? Is that right? Yes? Good …
Star Wars is an American Epic Space Opera Franchise created by the cinematic genius known as George Lucas. With the original trilogy, he managed to put down one of the most respected trilogies of all time. Unfortunately, even there you could see the decay of the man that was once a great director. By the time that the third movie rolled around Lucas was already starting to make more money on merchandising than on the movies themselves. Meaning that the third movie was going to be geared more towards a broader audience and a broader potential for merchandising, effectively changing the entire movie so that it now holds cute, little stuffed bears known as Ewoks. Yeah …
Anyways, years passed and George Lucas had decided to go ahead with his plans to create a prequel trilogy. You know, the sole reason the first Star Wars movie was suddenly called: Star Wars episode IV, a new hope. IT’S SUMMARIZE TIME! Here’s the Prequel Trilogy in one paragraph:
It’s a horrendously written, CGI fuckfest of a trilogy with little to no redeeming features other than the mildly acceptable Episode III. Most of the characters are cardboard cutouts or stupidly racist. Most of the plots are just plain stupid and are shoehorned in. There’s more merchandisable shit here than in Pokémon. And they completely and utterly destroyed the once great characters known as Darth Vader, effectively turning him in to an Emo Pussy, and the Force, which is turned in to magical bacteria.
In October of 2010, the IESB reported that George Lucas is going to create a new trilogy once he has re-released the other trilogies in THREE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. This is pretty much what he did to create the prequel trilogy, so it makes absolute sense that he is going to do this. I mean, the man is a money grubbing machine after all. However, Lucasfilms claims that he has nothing of the likes in mind. I have to see this to believe it, to be honest.
Look, Lucas, if you want to do this right, follow these instructions and you should be well on your way. Now, I’m not saying that this is all that you need to fix, but it’s a start at least.
1) Seems like he’s already well underway of fixing this himself if the rumors are true. The rumor states that he plans to set the next trilogy a hundred to a thousand years after the final scene in the Original Trilogy, basically guaranteeing that the extended universe will not be meddled with. A fantastic course of action that should be commended, really. As long as he doesn’t do anything that would retcon anything from the extended universe. I myself haven’t seen anything from this universe, but a fuckton of other people have and I think they are going to be PISSED.
2) If you do follow up on item number one, going in to this with a completely new set of characters and stories, you only have to put in a bit more effort in to this point. Make the story interesting. No, seriously, nobody in the audience gave two shits about what the hell was going on. In the Original Trilogy, we followed Luke Skywalker, the everyman of the movies. We saw and felt his grieves his joys and his experiences. We went along with him and learnt. Whilst in the Prequel Trilogy it all turned to politics and emo whining.
3) Which brings us to point three. BETTER CHARACTERS. In the prequel trilogy, you turned Yoda in to a caricature of himself, Darth Vader in to an Emo prick and then you made Jar Jar Binks, the world’s most racist character before the Robotwins in Transformers 2. And that’s just the tip of the failberg here. The only redeeming characters are The Emperor and Mace Windu. And that’s only because he’s played by Samuel L. Fucking Jackson wielding a purple lightsaber. If you don’t know how to write new characters and make them interesting, just look at The Force Unleashed.
4) Don’t make too much of a spectacle of the battles. Keep the fights short and sweet, the chase scenes fast paced and not over the top and make the set pieces epic. Just focus on the story but don’t push the battles to the background. Balance is everything.
5) Knock it off with the CGI-fest. The things that you did to remaster the original trilogy, that’s more like what we want to see. Keep the CGI out the window or as a location shot. Otherwise, try to stick with sets. Just look at The Chronicles of Riddick and try to be like that. They had the most beautiful of sets. Yes, it’s going to be costly, but hey, it’s going to be worth it.
6) When making these movies, don’t focus on merchandising. Focus on the universe and the movie and then proceed to think about merchandising. Remember, if you do well on these movies, then people are going to be less infuriated when you make another Clone Wars to merchandise the fuck out of.
This was PJ with another The ? Files, where I tell you how your shit could be improved. See you later.
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