E3 '12: Microsoft Conference

Microsoft conference

The name of this conference is Xbox Entertainment: Evolved. Does this name actually hold true? Who knows. Well, I do in retrospect, but let's see where this goes.

It started off with a trailer and a gameplay segment for the new Halo 4 by Studio 313. The live Action trailer segment was definitely more than awesome, as usual. If Halo has one thing going for it, then it has to be that it has some of the best trailers ever.

Following this, we get our gameplay segment. We find the Master Chief and Cortana on a whole new world. Designwise, it's unique enough to set it apart from the previous installments. Though, the HUD is trying too hard to make it look like you're looking through a helmet. A tad bit annoying, but I let it slide.

We also got our first look at the new enemies. And yes, they're brand spanking new. Very nice to see this, as it shows that Studio 313 knows what it's doing.

Strong, but standard, opening to the conference. This can only bode well … right?

Right??

Don Mattrick comes on a particularly green stage. He spews several numbers and a few thanks all over. PR all around, and also announces that there will be no Nextbox. Despite there being a possible ban of sales for the 360 in the US. Dumb move? Who knows.

Now we see a trailer for something set in the middle east. It has a very nice atmosphere, and has a very standard, but impressive design for the middle east. Then, it happens. The title comes. It's … oh god. It's Splinter Cell: Blacklist!

During the gameplay segment for the game, we see that Blacklist is a more than welcome combination of Conviction and the older Splinter Cells. Sam is back in a black suit, and uses more well known equipment. Whilst, at the same time, keeping roughly all Gameplay of Conviction, plus several additions of previous games, like the knife that can cut through tents.

Also, wall climbing like a boss. That, and there's a very interesting usage of the Kinect. You can lure guards by saying “Hey, you”. A massive bonus, that can easily be used with a headset, honestly.

A massive turn-off, however, is the severe lack of Michael Ironside as Sam Fisher. Oh, Sam spoke alright, but Ironside wasn't doing the talking. I cried many o' manly tears.

Andrew Wilson, from EA Sports, come on. Goodie. Sports. JUST WHAT WE WANTED! Right? Of course you wanted it! HAHAHA. Heeeeeeeeee. Yeah, now we go to BoringVille. *Disc: please do not sue me, Zynga.

Okay, so, Kinect Voice commands are coming for Fifa and Madden. Again, headset!

Also, Joe Montanna came to collect his paycheck.

Fable Kinect trailer. Whoo-hoo? Amazing visual design, though.

Bill Spencer comes on stage and gives the longest speech EVER to introduce a new Gears of War: Judgement “trailer”. More like a teaser that shows jack squat. It's still brown, grey and blue all over. This is followed by a trailer with god awful dubstep music for WUBWUBWUBWUBWUB … I mean Forza: Horizon. It's a racer with realistic graphics. Yeh.

Enter Yuseph Mehdi, head of marketing. Entertainment hour is next with Voice Commands for everything not involved with games. Also, multilingual voice recognition. No Klingon, though. Also announces that Nickelodeon, Paramount Movies, Machinima and Mundovision are coming to Xbox. Also, sports matches of all kinds are now coming as well. EXCITING STUFF. Can it be over ple-

Now coming to Xbox as well is an iTunes ripoff called Xbox Music and also a video about the Future of Fitness for the Kinect.

Steffan Olander from Nike comes on. No, you didn't misread that. From Nike. And yes, 90% of what this guy blabbers about is all Nike related. Only at the end does he talk about Nike + Kinect and Nike + XBL to get you fit!

Marc Whitten, the head of XBL, is here to talk about the Smartglass. Basically, it's ripping off the Wii U's new tablet controller but only using any smart device. ANY.

Also, Internet Explorer is coming to Xbox. I lol'd.

FINALLY we get something exciting tossed our way as Daniel and Darrell from Crystal Dynamics come on stage to discuss Tomb Raider, then showing a gameplay segment.

Again, the design visually is very impressive. There isn't much wrong to say here. It's all very colorfull, though it's more washed down to make it more gritty. It works like a charm. Though, the segment shows the game is definitely not ready yet.

The movement isn't fluent, jumping is more like lifting off, you jump way too far as well and it just needs some more development. Though, there was a parachuting glide segment that was very good. And Lara is definitely put through the wrangles.

One thing of note is that Daniel and Darrell leave the stage, saying DLC will be put exclusively first on the Xbox. That is bullshit. For Splinter Cell, I can see that. It started on the Xbox and it deserves first servings. But, Tomb Raider? No. No, no, no, no, no. Fuck you.

Big Philly is back and introduces three exclusives. Three boring and non-interesting exclusives that show nothing.

One, Ascend: New Gods, is a generic fantasy game. Lococycle is … I dunno. Science Fiction. And so is the next game with a giant, floating and Pokéball: Matter.

NEXT.

Two Capcom guys show up using their best Engrish. I was writing when they spoke, and I honestly couldn't understand a thing. SO, when looking up, I was pleasantly surprised to see Resident Evil Six.

Visually, the game provides a lot more bang for your buck. Not only has the engine improved, but there's also a lot more detail to be found. Gameplay-wise, the focus has once again been put on making it more accessible for action. It's more fluent, easier and faster. But, they definitely made up for that by adding in ZOMBIES! I cried in joy at the zombies.

Though, near the end, they Michael Bay'd it up just a bit too much.

Alex Ruir comes on with Wrecketeer. It's an Angry Birds rip-off using the Kinect but instead of birds and wood, it's with cannons and castles and in 3D.

Got a bad case of whiplash from going from RE to this. Man.

Anyways, next up is … Mother of GOD it's South Park. Basically, it's a fantasy game using South Park as a setting in modern times. Kinda like LARP'ing with real fantasy.

Then comes the ONLY redeeming duo of the entire conference. It's the one, the only … TREY PARKER AND MATT STONE! Ladies and Gentlemen! And they oh so beautifully bring the funny.

One thing of note is that they said that they, for the first time, actually had to map out the entire town so you can walk everywhere.

Next up is Dance Central 3. Nothing was shown. Literally. Nothing of importance anyways. They hid that well. Yeah, they got Usher to give a quick concert. No, really.

Anyways, it was only AT THE END OF THAT CONCERT, that he actually used Dance Central. And it was barely visable because they wouldn't zoom in.

Horrible, just … horrible.

Phil is back for the final time, introducing Black Ops II. Now, I know that a lot of people are going to hate me for saying this. But, it's basically Black Ops meets Modern Warfare 3 but in the future. It's nothing special. But, it does look like it's going to be fun.

That was the show. It was bad. Very bad. Barely any games, nothing else of value and only Matt and Trey were any good on stage. Microsoft, you are already a contender for Worst of Show.