Spider-man 3
Bruce Campbell
Nuff said
Final Score: 10/10
What? FINE
This is about Spiderman 3 the game on the playstation 2.
Oooooooooookay, so I pop this fucker in to the playstation and patiently wait for it to start. Very, very patiently... euhm, playstation, hello? HELLOOOOOOWKIDO?! no responce whatsoever. It wasn't even reading the disc. Now there's a sign from the almight Jebus: DO NOT PLAY. So I guess it's time to defy God himself by fiddling with the console long enough for the game to start. And whaddya know, it started. I FOUGHT GOD, AND I WON! *cough*
So, the game then. It starts in a building being attacked. For what reason? You're asking me that? SHEESH, I'm just playing the game ffs. the cutscenes are awesome. Nice voice acting, nice graphics but as usual the good stuff doesn't last long. So I take control of spidey to the most awesome narration of Bruce Campbell. These narrations are sadly enough the best lines in the entire fucking game. Besides the lines by J.K. Simmons, the voice actor for J. Jonah Jameson. So Campbell guides us through the controls and whatnot so that we don't fuck up. It's a completely useless narration most of the time but I'm so friggin happy that it's there. Press square for light attack and press triangly for strong attack ... Yeah yeah. USELESS when fighting multiple mobs, but more about that later. I accidently tapped jump in the middle of a fight. And I do mean tapped. Suddenly Spidey jumps so far in the air I thought he had a rocket stuck up his ass. So Spidey smacked in to the ceiling and came crashing down. I thought to myself: fuck this, let's get this over with. And thus I raced through this training level. Here we are also introduced to: TAP AS FAST AS POSSIBLE events to break the metal chains off of a person tied to a bomb. YAH, spidey can take all of the goddamn metal in that building and resculpt it in to the complete work of Bernini for fucks sake. A cutscene later were out in the city! And we get our first mission! YAY! (( -_- )) Swing to point B. WHOO! Swinging time!
I'm gonna talk about swinging in general now. When it works, it's awesome. Unfortunatly ... It almost always FAILS. Point your left analog stick to where you wanna shoot your web next, press X to get in to a boost and release before the swing is at its peak. Easy, aint it. Unlike in the spider-man movies, this spidey actually attaches his web to buildings and actually uses physics. Most of the time you find yourself smacking in to buildings like you saw Porn on the TV inside. No wonder New Yorkers hate Spidey, they think he's a suicide bomber ... Achmed the dead terrorist at their front door. The reasons why you almost always fail whilst swinging are:
A: You have to have something to shoot your web at. So if you're too high or the game fubars on you, you'll fall down. Seriously, like 9/10 times Spidey can't find anything to shoot at, he's surrounded by towering buildings and whatnot. And when your close to the ground, spidey usually shoots his web up so high you'll crash in to the ground anyways. Which brings us to Point
B: Most of the time you only get altitude by using your wallclimb.
So now you can do gang quests, story quests or city events. City events are triggered randomly when not on a mission. You press the trianle button and Presto, instant quest.
The city is devided into turf. There are a few gangs and the police controlling these turf and its your job to give the police as much turf or all the turf. You do this by talking to an informant and a series of jobs is triggered. Okay, let's do this then. Man this is gonna be epic. Kicking ass as Spider-man and all.
Oh my god Spidey, the most terrible thing has happened. A shipment of pies has been stolen. So I have to get a shipment of pies, no prob. Epic, as I said earlier. Man, Spider-man 3 is turning out to be a good game af ... wait .... Shipment ... of pies .... Eeeeuuuuuuhhhhhhhh ... Rrrrrrright ... I got the pies and I deliver em to ... No not a baker. NO, not a random person on the streets ... You'll never guess. I deliver em tooooooooo a heavily armed member of S.W.A.T.! next job: Get information. You have to get information. Not from a person but from files. Where could the files be? So I open a dumpster, not there. I open the back of a truck, not there. I open a crate on a rooftop, BINGO! Oh and just send the bill for the busted dumpster and truck to Spider-man! HAHA! Then there's a mission where you have to save a psychic. You have to save people from a cannister of Laughing Gas that they set off out of which the people themselves could have just walked out of themselves. And when you save someone, the nearest fucking ambulance is ten blocks away even though it sometimes was meant for the person you saved to begin with.
AND THEN there are the comments from Peter Parker. Not.funny.at.all
Man, these guys are dumber than a sack of hammers. How do they expect to debate a politician if they didn't steal a teleprompter?
Kraven The Hunter: You won't be laughing when I rip out your heart!
Spider-Man: Huh, well how bout I meet you half way and knee you in the groin?
And then there are the people themselves. When spider-man picks em up they go: Is it okay if I say: Up up and away. Coming from a fat guy with greace stains and a bald head. Except he has a corny british accent. Djeez wizz louse wtf ...
Now, not everything about the missions suck. The storyline missions aren't that bad at all. THey're fun, well set up and sometimes genuinely difficult, if not difficult because you keep swinging in to a building like a retarded spider on Meth.
The villains are well set up and thought through, for a game. the voice acting for the villains is as good or better than you expect from a movie based videogame. The first cutscenes you saw were pretty much the standard for the rest of the cutscenes so that isn't a bad thing. All in all, the missions are what make the game great. Unfortunatly ... The game is SHORT that way. I mean, I just did the training mission and this happened.
'Alright, cool! This could work. Right, let's fiddle with menu's. Save, load, settings ... 13% completed. Okay .......... 13% What? I've been playing for 15 minutes ... 13% WHAT?!' You can get 40 hours of gameplay out of the game if you want because of the city events, the hidden pickups like meteorite fragments and the gang quests. But seriously, the good missions are this game are the story missions and they are over before you know it. That ... sucks ... donkeybaaaaalllllllssssss through a straw.
And as you gaze upon this continuous rain of shit, you find the most terrible of all nightmares: The battles. As I said earlier, you have a light and heavy attack which you can use to go Combo on your enemy's ass. BUT, if you are with more than one enemy ... you're dooooooooomed. You press light attack twice and the other enemy would have already knocked you on your ass. One hit and you lost your combo and sometimes you are even lieing on the ground. But you need the stinking combo's. So what do you do? You use the same move over and over again till you literally feel like your grinding yourself. Like coffee ... or something. The more progress you make, the more moves you get. But the more moves you get, the more you realise that you keep using the same effin moves over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
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